Truth

In light of recent conversations. It isn't always a struggle... rarely, even. But the days that it is, this is as close as I can get to defining it -

6/10/09 Prayer, 11:03 pm

this is not where i thought i'd be now

i walked an hour today
trying to pick up where i left You
only to be met at every corner
by the doubt i'd hoped You'd take away

i'm not prepared to be alone in this venture
is that fair to say to You?
i want to be whispered to
by someone with a voice i can hear

i'm trying to love You wholly and only
You are difficult to tack down,
immeasurable, uncontainable You
You are All and Every, but You do not hold my hand

You understand

he might say my name using sounds i've never heard

take me over. make it enough.

Confession.

I love being Pollyanna. It's a strange thing to be prideful about, sure, but I am. I love being able to identify myself as the most optimistic person you know, the one who can see the good, accentuate the positive, bring in da noise and da funk. I even somewhat enjoy the downsides, like the shameful smiling I did at the nice-smelling, well-dressed man on the corner of 20th and Burnside until Dan and Mel gently informed me that he was the neighborhood pimp. I'm used to my rosy-colored glasses, and they suit me fine.

The problem with becoming too proud (problems? with pride? never. ;) ) of being Pollyanna is how difficult it is to 'fess up to the bad days. When you are saddled with sunshine as your very identity, the idea of being sad for an hour or two can rock you to your core and make you doubt yourself. As for me, I'm terrible at not being "ok." Better than ok, really: I'm terrible at not being awesome. I want to be awesome all of the time. I want to be the person doing, not needing, the cheering. I want to be the helper, not the helpee.

But sometimes I'm just tired. Sometimes I just want someone braver than me, and stronger than me, and smarter than me, and more hopeful and wiser and bigger than me to pick me up and remind me, assure me, that everything is going to be amazing. Sometimes grace feels heavy - forgiveness I can't ever earn, a debt I can never repay. I wish I didn't struggle with that. I wish I could take God at His word and look Him in the eye and say thank you instead of getting caught up in my own failure. How do you wish you were better at not wishing you were better? Sometimes I just want to sit up all night and talk to someone, anyone, who will speak to me like they're sure about something.

I wish I wasn't so aware that I have nothing worth complaining about in my life, just so I could complain and feel justified. Sometimes it sucks to be level-headed. There. That made me feel better. :)

I'm blessed. And I'm loved. And my God is mighty to save. And tonight I'm just tired... and joy will come in the morning.