Dear Potential Suitor

In my world, the one where people spontaneously burst into Michael Jackson song and dance routines and secret handshakes are an acceptable form of currency, people would come with warning labels. We could wear them printed on our tshirts or tattooed on our arms or project them like holograms in front of us whenever we catch someone giving us the eye. They'd be personal, but unfailingly honest, and you'd be able to see past the nervousness and the awkwardness and the lousy communication skills and straight to the point of a person. They'd go something like this:

Dear Potential Suitor:

This is Karyn. She's aware of her height. She does not play basketball, or volleyball, or model. If you feel the need to discuss any of these topics in great detail or demand an explanation as to her reasons, she is probably not the girl for you. Kindly move along.

This girl is a relentless bundle of enthusiasm. She will drag you out into the night on crazy adventures and behave like a five year old in the presence of rides or costumed characters. She will narrate for your pets and coerce you into participating in cheesy holiday activities. Though you will certainly be allotted grace if you have a hard day, a mood, or an occasional issue, generally, in most parts of life, you will be expected to play along. She has the utmost respect for people who play along.

She will gladly suffer fools, but cannot stomach a snob. Your being too cool to watchthatshow/eatatthatrestaurant/dothatsillydance/hangoutwiththosepeople simply will not be accepted here. However, if you can look like an idiot without flinching, you will win her heart in moments. She loves a man who can laugh at himself.

She seems silly, this girl, a lot of the time, but she's serious in her core, and the things that matter to her are non-negotiable. She thinks about things entirely too much, and she'll want to tell you about them. You would do well to be the sort who will engage in truly unimportant debates without a hint of condescension. She isn't always very good at loving her God, but the trying to is central to her being. You will have to lead her sometimes, but she will come and find you if you need her to. You will always be the second highest priority in her life, and you will be asked to help her remember to keep it that way.

There are four loves for which she will not apologize: musical theater, Disneyland, knitting, and cheesy love songs. You do not have to understand, applaud, or admire these things, but you do have to respect them, and love the part of her that loves them. If you can find it in your heart to humor her from time to time and let her show you why she loves them, she'll return the favor.

She is not always easy to love, this girl.

There are scars in her that are difficult to look at and harder to erase. She won't want to show them to you. She can be reckless with hearts, including yours and her own. She has a stubborn streak that will catch you off guard, and she's sometimes prideful and often insecure. She'll gladly address thousands of people, but be scared to death to meet your mom. She'll hold you to a difficult standard, and at times you'll resent her for it. She'll defend people who anger you and it will annoy you like you wouldn't believe. You will get very, very tired of the sound of her voice. She lacks direction, she doesn't cook well, she hates folding laundry. She's moody sometimes for no reason at all, and she'll just want you to leave her alone.

This girl, though, she'll be a lot of fun. She'll be game for just about anything, and she'll do everything she can to support you in whatever you choose to pursue. She'll show up, this one, she won't cling too hard and she'll want you to be who you are. She'll move mountains to make you laugh. If you can win her respect, she'll try to make sure you always, always know you have it. She'll let you go on and on for hours about the things you care about - she'll try to learn about them and ask thoughtful questions. She'll love you for your eccentricities...the parts you think are the most unlovable will likely be her favorites. She's weirdly wired like that.

She's a little gun shy sometimes, and a little reckless others. She'll spook if you move to quickly and get bored if you take too long. She can't promise she's worth it, but she might be.

Check yes or no.

What does your warning label say?

love.

Scattered Thoughts from Tuesday Night Conversations

We've been talking about relationships in our Home Community this last couple weeks. Which inevitably leads to long and poorly-thought-out blogging. Here goes.

Lord knows I've been in my fair share of relationships, and they've certainly run the gamut of complication and commitment. As a self-termed serial monogamist, I've spent the vast majority of years I can remember tied to someone else. I suppose for my own sanity I have to believe that some good has come of the variety of experiences I've had, and I'd like to call that good "perspective." In any case, I've certainly given it the old college try. (I just used "Lord knows," "run the gamut," and "old college try" in one paragraph... apparently, talking about relationships ages me about 40 years)

We Christians like to complicate the heck out of the dating process. We load it up with expectation, apply a shameless ton of pressure, and try to spiritually one-up each other with sanctimonious rules, recommendations, and restrictions. We build boxes and place ourselves in them, hiding behind walls of timing and circumstance. I don't mean to be skeptical, but I question how many of us truly feel a strong calling to be single or married and how many of us just want to feel called. And further, I feel sometimes like we've drawn a crazy line in the sand - you're either trying to get married or trying to stay single - no room for middle ground, or dating, or getting to know someone, or just plain not knowing at all.

I struggle with this, because in my heart of hearts I'm a huge fan of the not knowing. I've tried to create a plan for myself a thousand times- for now, I'll be single, I'll have this career, I'll move to this city, I'll go to this school, only to watch it crumble away in seconds over a conversation with a stranger or advice from a friend. And I love that. I love that no matter what I think the plan is for my life, no matter how sure I am that I know myself and what I need right now, I have a God who will knock me on my sorry butt and prove that He has me figured out in ways I can't begin to imagine. I love meeting someone who makes me wonder "What if?" or looking back on an old relationship and realizing how necessary all the unexpected pain was. I love that God waits for the moments when my heart is its hardest to swoop in and surprise me. I love that I never, never see it coming.

Being single isn't the resting place for me that it is for some, which, in a strange way, is why I'm okay hanging out here for awhile if that's how it turns out. I'm vaguely uncomfortable, being single, and I think that's a good thing... we should be uncomfortable, at least fairly often, because it's awfully hard to grow when you're sitting around being all cozy. I'm trying to listen. I'm trying to stay open to whatever could be. For a while, being single was the place where I felt the most challenged, but I do feel like it's getting easier lately. Which could very well mean that the time for a new challenging situation is just around the corner. Or not. I have no idea! Isn't that kinda great?

I think we've only just begun this conversation as a group, and I love that we've opened a dialogue. My hope is that none of us get too comfortable in our current situations, that we don't avoid relationships because of the potential difficulties or cling to them because we're afraid to be alone, and that we remember how much we can learn from each other. I hope we can learn to be content but not stagnant, and that we can seek to grow closer to God in whatever our current situation is - single, married, or somewhere in between.

Teach me to see...

Sorry I'm all poetry and no fun and games lately... I'll get you something silly soon. In the mean time, I like this little worship song I wrote this week, and since I'm very unlikely to ever actually play it for you, I'll just post it here to get it out of my system.

How typical of me to try and define Your majesty using my own words
When you write my life like a song, like a melody, in a language I have not learned
You who placed the lights in this expansive sky, that I may walk right by and not see
Then bring You buckets full of tears to wipe away, and beg You not to leave me

Teach me to see

I know You promised You would hold me like a child, but like a child I never listen
Still You whisper that You love me every day, a thousand ways, until it sinks in
You who carved the very earth beneath my feet, You take the time to know me by name
Who am I to doubt the wonder that You are, that You have been, that You will remain

Teach me to see

Sometimes it feels so quiet in this place, all of these faces they don't know me
And this hope of You I carry in my heart, I only see in part, can You show me
Paint a new horizon on my day, take the hurt away, let me love You
Light up this whole world, teach this little girl, how best to love You

Teach me to see
Teach me to see


love.

Truth

In light of recent conversations. It isn't always a struggle... rarely, even. But the days that it is, this is as close as I can get to defining it -

6/10/09 Prayer, 11:03 pm

this is not where i thought i'd be now

i walked an hour today
trying to pick up where i left You
only to be met at every corner
by the doubt i'd hoped You'd take away

i'm not prepared to be alone in this venture
is that fair to say to You?
i want to be whispered to
by someone with a voice i can hear

i'm trying to love You wholly and only
You are difficult to tack down,
immeasurable, uncontainable You
You are All and Every, but You do not hold my hand

You understand

he might say my name using sounds i've never heard

take me over. make it enough.

This is not a blog.

The following are actual conversations I've had with the Clear Wireless tech support/account services folks in the past month or so, with very little embellishment, honest to goodness:

Call One, Before the Move

Tech Douche A: Now, Ms. Serface, you said you've tried to get a signal in every room of your house?
Me: Well, I live in a studio apartment, so there's, you know, the one room, but yes, I've tried it all over the apartment.
TDA: And you say you can't get a signal?
Me: That is correct.
TDA: Ms. Serface, you are aware that there is a tower just near your apartment... you should be getting a signal.
Me: So sorry.
TDA: Is the unit plugged in to an outlet?
Me: Yes sir, it surely is.
TDA: And you receive no bars?
Me: As I've mentioned, I receive one bar in one of the windows if the modem is sitting on the sill, but just the one bar.
TDA: To confirm that, Ms. Serface, you are receiving a signal in one window?
Me: Yes.
TDA: And which window is that?
Me: Um, the left one? There are three... it's the one on the left?
TDA: In which room of your home?
Me: Which room of my studio apartment?
TDA: Yes, Ms. Serface, in which room are you receiving the signal?
Me: I have just the one room, my friend. (I always start imitating Michael Cera when I'm on the phone with tech support types... that might be worth exploring...)
TDA: I see, I see... have you tried putting the unit in the hallway to see if you receive a signal there?
Me: The hallway outside my apartment?
TDA: Yes.
Me: No?

Call Two, Before the Move

Me: So what will it cost me to just cancel my contract?
Accounting Jerk B: One hundred dollars.
Me: So if I do that, you can just charge it to my card and we can move on?
AJB: That would be most unwise, Ms. Serface. We can simply send a tech out to your home and he can verify that you are receiving no signal. Then there will be no cost to you.
Me: Ok, well, let's do that then.
AJB: Excellent, but first let me run you through some trouble shooting. I see on your file that you claim to have tried the modem in every room of your home, is that so?
Me: In every room of my studio, one room apartment, yes. Though not the hallway (this is about when I started getting snarky with the Clear team)
AJB: Do you receive a signal any room of your home?
Me: No sir, I surely do not.
AJB: Are you aware that you have a tower just outside your building?
Me: I've heard a rumor to that effect, yes. Still no signal.
AJB: What about in the hallway outside your apartment?

Call Three, After the Move

Non-Jerky Tech Guy John: So Ms. Serface, you aren't receiving a signal in your new home either?
Me: No sir, I surely am not.
John: I'm sorry.
Me: Me too.
John: Can I put you on hold while I check the coverage in your new area?
Me: Sure thing John.
John: Did you know you have two towers just near your home? You should be getting a signal.
Me: I have a force-field surrounding me, John. I seem to personally block any possible signal.
John: I'm sorry?
Me: Still no signal, John.
John: How many rooms are there in your home? (where was this question before, I ask you, where?)
Me: I'm glad you asked...lots! Three floors. An attic, a basement, and a main floor... six rooms not counting the bathrooms. And just so we're on the same page, I've taken the modem into every room, placed it against every window, opened every window, and rotated it a quarter turn in every direction and I'm pretty sure there is no signal. I have not tried the roof, the backyard, my neighbors house, or anywhere else where it will be extremely impossible for me to keep my modem. The modem, by the way, is plugged in, I have no surge protector, and it isn't currently attached to a computer of any kind. I don't receive one bar or two bars, just no bars at all. It scrolls indefinitely. It has been scrolling for days. No signal. I'm sorry, because there should be one, but there truly isn't. At this point, I'm going to be cancelling the service, penalty fee or no, so actually acquiring a signal isn't high on my list of things to do. I've spent about four hours on the phone with your people, and you yourself have been very kind and I realize none of this is your fault, but I'm tired, John, and frustrated, and I'd like to have a tech come out because I'd like to not spend $100. Can we arrange that?
John: Hold please.
(7 minutes pass)
John: We will be able to get that tech out to you, Ms. Serface, but first I'll have to run you through some trouble shooting. Let's start in the kitchen. Are you currently receiving a signal in the kitchen?


I'll spare you the rest. Let's just say I was on the phone this morning for one hour and twenty seven minutes.

Seriously? I mean, seriously?

Seventeen

7/12/09 11:53 pm

i used to love you madly, madly

i remember still the way
we were all and nothing
for hours on end
content in the breathing of
each other's secrets
lost in the passionate warring of
angst-riddled youth

you would put on your
faux punk rock defiance
and i would stand frozen
in my insecurity
captive to fear and
your hands on my face

you could pull me out of and into all silences
i laughed hardest in your arms

i used to love you madly, madly

It tastes good, I swear...

So on some Sundays I buy myself McDonald's for breakfast. I like McDonald's for breakfast, I always have, and I likely always will (you Food Inc. people can stop your threatening to burn me at stake for crying out loud... I'm calling your bluff). After leaving the Mickey D's drive thru this morning, I embarked on a very spiritual train of thought for my drive to church: there are a lot of things that I like that other people think are gross. To illustrate, I've created the following list, cleverly titled:

Ten Things Karyn Likes That Normal People Think Are Gross

1) McDonald's Breakfast Burritos... the little ones, not the new weird ones. The ones that they often fail to microwave enough, resulting in semi-frozen eggy insides. Man, I love those things.

2) Puppy kisses. I'm totally not grossed out by dog kisses. It's unfortunate if no people will want to kiss me after reading this.

3) The fantastic flavor combination of cheese and banana. If you haven't tried it, shut up.

4) Watching surgery on television. Fascinating. Not at all gross.

5) Kraft Mac & Cheese with no butter in it. I still hold that I can't really taste the difference. Which is probably why my foody friends are often frustrated with me.

6) Babies in all their drooly, snotty glory. I'm not the least bit worried about baby goo. I dig babies at any level of gooeyness.

7) Diet Pepsi. Aspartame may kill me, but first it will make me stronger.

8) Food sharing... I have absolutely no cootie issues, and am often guilty of swiping sips from someone's beverage or food from their plate. I'm cool with double dipping, too, in case you were wondering.

9)Rodents, rats especially. I'm a huge advocate for the rats-as-pets-for-children movement. They don't bite! They're smart! They actually like people!

10) Hot Pockets. I'm fairly convinced they are the perfect food.

And because I'm all about achieving balance in life (?), here's a companion list:

Ten Things Normal People Like That Karyn Thinks Are Gross

1) Cheesecake. Have you had cheesecake? Ugh.

2) Slugs. I realize Normal People may think slugs are a little gross, but I think they're top of the top of the grossness scale. *shudder*

3) Flossing in public. Watching people fish bits of old food out of their teeth with a piece of string is soooo not my idea of a good time.

4) On a similar note, sharing toothbrushes. I still can't believe there are people who actually think this is ok.

5) Kraft Mac & Cheese with other stuff in it. Keep your veggies/tuna/hot dogs/creamed corn away, please and thanks.

6) Feet. Yours, mine, ours... just don't ask me to rub them, and we'll be fine.

7) Anything drenched in sauce or gravy or other unnecessary food-wetters. I'm not even that into soup.

8) Watching people get accidentally injured on television. Cue empathy pain issues.

9) Holding hands when it's more than 90 degrees outside. Ew.

10) Moths. Dude. Creepy.

I'm sure this blog has changed your life. What largely-considered-gross item do you enjoy, or what normal thing grosses you out big time? I'm dying to know.

love.