In which she waxes all poetic about how much she loves you...

Honest, albeit morbid, truth: I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to blog about, but I feel compelled to leave some sort of written legacy just in case I wind up stranded in the middle of the Atlantic. I'm only nervous about airplanes until I'm actually on them. It's all Disneyland from boarding time on... ;)

So in two days I get my butt out of the country, out of my life... and out on an adventure that has been literally years in the making. I think I'm at the crisis stage of planning - that fuzzy space where it hasn't quite sunk in that you're actually going anywhere, and you are equal parts elated and terrified. I've spent the past 8 or 9 months of my life living every minute in preparation for this trip... every decision I've made, every struggle I've had, all of them have rotated around this now imminent core. I'm ready, but I'm a bit sad to let go of the waiting...

Oregon has been a Twilight Zone of sorts for me... a solitary bootcamp where instead of running laps I do exercises in independence. And this trip has been a part of every moment thus far. I guess I'm a bit worried that when I get back I'll have to actually start planning for the rest of my life. Whoosh. (that was time... flying... it wooshes)

Here's where I am, before leaving for Africa, before coming back undoubtedly different than I am now, before continuing to change. Here's my heart as best I can present it to you:

I am blessed. So purely, richly, and undeniably blessed to have encountered and loved truly amazing, amazing people. All of you have molded me, taught me, broken me, and inspired me... I wear your influence like merit badges, so dang proud to say that I stole your jokes, your strategies, your brilliant ideas. I am blessed to have a family that I never get tired of... parents who continue to teach and inspire me, especially when I don't expect them to, and a sister who consistently impresses me with her maturity and her grace. And I have these amazing friends, many of whom I hardly know, many others I have known for years... this insanely varied collection of oddballs who mean more to me than they'll probably ever know, largely because I'm never very good at saying it. You guys amaze me. You truly, madly, deeply do. ;)

I am stronger than I know. I've been in a bit of self-inflicted solitude this year, completing a very private pact I made with the parts of me that I didn't recognize a year ago. I have spent a year with myself, trying to be more of who I want to be and less of who I so often am, trying to avoid the things that make me selfish, or flighty, or scared. I think I've been afraid of myself for most of my life... those of you who know me best have witnessed this fear, probably as I was crying at you while trying to learn something new... so very afraid to fail.

My friend Jean, who is one of those people who takes other people and plugs them into all kinds of spaces that they didn't know they could fill, challenged me this year. Funny, she snuck it up on me in just the right way... you'd think she'd known me long enough to know you have to catch me last minute. She invited me, nonathletic me, to participate with a team in a relay race of sorts. Then she lied to me. "No big deal.." says Jean, "No one's really competitive... just a teensy weensy little race and it's tomorrow and it's free." And here's the thing: I did it. I went to a place I'd never been to be on a team with people I'd never met and paddle a canoe in a race. And I made friends, and I paddled my little heart out, and 1500 teams competed, and it was huge, and we had jerseys and a sponsor and I was pretty dang scurrd... but I did it. And I paddled the whole time without stopping, which is more than I thought I could do. And I realized something: I'm a grown up. I can handle me. I like me. And I'm not afraid. ;)

Except, of course, of letting go of Africa. Because I've been the girl who's going to Africa for a good long while now. I'd thought that preparing for the trip was the test of faith... the saving and the sacrificing... but the test is going. The test is leaping, and allowing it to end, and believing that this, like everything, is only the beginning of the wonders that God has planned for my life. The leap of faith is coming home.

God is good, all the time. I worry that I'll come across as cocky, what with liking me and all. But the thing is, everything about me that is worth anything , anything that is beautiful, or intelligent, or funny, or any of the things that I want to see in me, all of those are simple manifestations of the amazing grace that has been afforded me. My strengths were created for a purpose, and I want to be whole enough to let them work, to let God work in the fullness of his power. For what may be the first time, I want to be accountable, I want to be called out, and I want to be broken as much as it takes to refine me. I've been allowed to taste the freedom that comes from not having anything in this world that I value more than the gift of grace and the love of my God... and it manages to make me love everything more. Funny, that God dude and all his paradoxes... ok, what's the plural of paradox? Dang. I was on a role, too. Not making a point, but rolling. Stupid girl. ;)

If you read this far I owe you a cookie. If I wind up in the atlantic, know that you were appreciated. If I've hurt you, hold me accountable. If I've loved you, thank you for everything it has taught me. If you've loved me, you get two cookies. And a sympathetic face. Also a hug. Possibly dollars. Definitely my gratitude.

*yippee ki-aye-yay*

I guess mostly about nothing...

So last night I went to Leah's, and it was fun, and I was reminded yet again how much I love the people I've met here... it's such a gift to make new friends, and to be so surrounded by thoughful, brilliant, interesting people...

What you don't know is that I read your blogs, all of you.. new friends, old ones... sometimes you're cute, and you all get very introspective all at once... everyone bares their soul a little, and I dig it. The internet is a funny place to feel safe being vulnerable, but whadayaknow?

So sometimes you inspire me. And then I get all introspective. So tonight, after reading about 10 blogs on similar subjects, I'm taking inventory.

I've been: hopeful, silly, selfish, naive, careless, broken, someones fool, someones user, the smart girl, the dumb blonde, annoying, inspiring (annoyed, inspired)... faithless and faithful, old and new, lost and found... lonely and smothered, informed and clueless, open and shut off... hurt and hurtful. I've been on all ends of heartbreak... I've been a real jerk, and a real doll. I may not have accomplished everything I've wanted to, and I certainly haven't always acted gracefully... but I think, at this hour of my life, I can say I've been there. A time or two.

I am: (in summary) ready. newly, strangely, humbly... ready.

bring it on.

In which Karyn gets a bit preachy, but in her usual Pollyanna little way...

What I love about God is His awesome power, love, grace, mercy, etc. What I LIKE about the Dude is His unabashed willingness to bonk me over the head every once in awhile.

I'm having a serious "Our God is an Awesome God" week. And it's Easter, which is appropriate. So here, draw your own conclusions:

I'm going to Africa this summer, as you may have noticed me shouting from the rooftops. I'm beyond excited, but being the control freak that I sometimes am, I am also a little stressed. Because for the first time in my life, I'm basically relying on God to provide the funding for something that I seriously can't afford on my own. I'm having to ask for money, which takes a bite out of my well-guarded pride, and trust that because I know this trip is in line with God's will for me at this time in my life, He will provide. Sounds simple. Maybe for you. I, little me, I struggle here.

I like having money. I like spending it. I like stuff! I have been a serious stuff connoisseur for the larger part of my life. Stuff has been my friend and my companion and my entertainment... I generally dig it. This trip has caused me to adopt a wiggle-room free budget... basically, everything I make goes to gas, bills, and Africa. I'm saving tip money to get a haircut. So no stuff. In fact, I've had to sell a lot of my stuff just to break even. It's odd, and annoying, and stressful, and... intoxicating.

Because God is good. All the time. And when I let go of something, He hits me back with a blessing in some unexpected form. I have half the stuff I once had, but I have acres of forest to explore and a thousand fun things to do for free! I have a job that doesn't require me to be trendy, or cute even, so I don't feel compelled to buy new clothes. And I have the satisfaction of knowing that I'm actually making sacrifices (gasp!) for the purpose of achieving something good. Something good for other people, not just for myself. I'm learning to value money more than I ever have, and track it, and take care of it, and I find that my priorities are changing a little more every day.

And the response is what does me in. I mentioned God bashing me over the head, and though I did actually get bashed in the head by a tree branch about an hour ago, I don't mean literally. What I love about our God is that He is personal... He knows me, and He reaches out to me in ways that are so personally meaningful. If you know me, you know I love thoughtful gifts... unexpected, little personalized things that cost little or nothing but clue you in to the fact that someone was really listening to you, really paying attention. Here's what God does:

I had no room in my budget this month, what with taxes and deposits and yuck. I also had to get an immunization for the trip. The shot cost $32. I didn't have $32. At this point, I can get seriously stressed out about $32. So I'm worrying, and wondering, and praying, and hoping... and I find a bag of pocket change from California. And I'm counting it thinking "How funny would it be if I had $32... no way would I have $32... seriously, this can't be $32..." It wasn't. It was $32.10. (Sure, you there reading, this could be one of a thousand coincidences. It's a choose your own adventure story, this life, so I'll call it a miracle if I want to :) )

My pastor keeps saying "God wants to bless you." This is profound for me, because I struggle there... I tend to feel like God should want to punish, not bless me. I'm harder on myself than you know, and it has been a necessary reminder for me: "God wants to bless you." God wants to bless me.

The following day I received an email from an old friend letting me know that she and her husband had made an unfathomably generous donation toward my trip... and to let them know if I had any trouble raising more funds... they want to make sure I get there no matter what.

God wants to bless me.

Last Friday I went to dinner with a bunch of people from work to say goodbye to a few friends who were moving on. I sat at a table with two beautiful people I had never met, Peter and Emmorie, who are originally from South Africa. Also at the table were my friend Shauna and her husband Chris, and my friend and coworker Jean. We sat there for hours by the fire talking about life, about Africa, and ultimately about God and how our generation wants and needs to change "religion", to bring it back to what it once was and what it should be. Eventually, I told them my story, my colossal mistake, my big fat fall from grace... and Peter looks me in the eyes and says to me "You know what I want to say to you, Karyn? God wants to bless you." My random work party turned into a night where some new friends sat around a table and loved me, ministered to me. It was pretty darn great.

And for Easter I got shoes. Fabulous, frivolous shoes that I had decided not to buy to stay on budget. That is one smart little bunny.

Here's the thing kids. I've been a Christian my entire life, and I'm only beginning to get it. But here's what I know: God wants to bless me. And if God can desire in His heart of hearts to bless willful, prideful, defiant, and forgiven little me... He wants to bless you. That's what I want to shout from my soapbox: God wants to bless you. I hope you know. I hope He will.

love.

Just a blog. An "about life" sort of blog.

I keep thinking to myself that the time has come to write a new blog, and then I keep coming up with other things to do. Like knit socks. Then I start to wonder how it is that my perspective has become so wacky that I actually think knitting socks is more fun then blog writing. The more I wonder, the more I begin to worry about the obsessive home-ec turn my life seems to be taking. Then I start to feel compelled to take some serious anti-Martha Stewart action. Which brings us to this paragraph, the intro to my shiny new and most certainly fabulous blog.

I miss most of you (some of you are here). I love it here... I love the crazy weather and the copious amount of trees. I'm so in love with the pace of this town, and the people I've spent time with. It's a strange feeling, though, the pervasive newness of everything... new friends, new city, new restaurants, new life. And though it's certainly never boring, it's also exhausting. I feel like I'm constantly spewing myself all over the place... trying to explain myself to people, paint myself on the walls, make myself known. I have to hold my mouth shut to keep random facts about my life from leaking out - I don't want to be the girl who never shuts up. But I can't stop feeling like I want to kidnap each of the people I work with, or play with, one at a time and force them into deep all night conversations until they know all my secrets and I know all of theirs. Just so someone will be able to look at me and know what I'm thinking, where I've been, what I am. Just so I can say "Oh him? Her? Yeah, I know him. Her. We tight, yo." So I miss you who know me. I wish you were here to tell me what a big silly dork I am (cause I am a big silly dork. And you know it. Ain't life grand!) and sing along with the radio or run around in the middle of the night causing mayhem.

Everything is good, though, and lovely. Sunny even, often, lately. I'm learning Swahili, because my whole life seems to be focused on preparing for Africa this summer. It's been fun, starting to learn, primarily because it's reminded me that I'm a smart girl and I shouldn't just hover around all the time. I found a great program, and I'm picking it up quickly... it's so much more intuitive for me than Spanish ever was. So make me speak it to you, already.

And I'm knitting. Cause it's artistic, dang it. I'll subject you to pictures later.

So come visit me soon. Sorry for writing you bloggings with nothing very profound to say... just Hi. I'm here. I love you and I hope you're well :)